First Adult Thanksgiving and a Birthday

What? What's that???

Is it the first turkey Lola's ever been responsible for in her life?

Why, yes. It is!

Holy shit it takes all day to cook a Thanksgiving dinner. Thanks for telling me, Life.

Seriously, though, I feel so accomplished. Who knew that the way to feel more adult and in control was by cooking your own thanksgiving dinner?

Okay, so I had a LOT of help from my cooking mentor, Priscilla, and my sister, but all the hard work I did myself. 

AND IT WAS YUMMY!

I think that was the most surprising part. 

And after all the cooking and thanksgiving bickering... err, giving thanks was over, I finally got to overeat like everybody else. See:

That's the mac and cheese, stuffing piled under gravy, turkey and (not pictured) there was also pasta salad, collard greens and cranberry sauce. YUM!

Even the cat was digging my food.

"What is that delicious smell? I must have it!"

And to top it all off......

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!

Yay!!! Holy shit.

Glossing over the typical holiday family drama, it's been an awesome last few days.

Happy Late Thanksgiving!!

Bye sweets. <3

Stay Cute

Even when it seems as though the world is against you.

Ultimately, at some point in life you will have to be your own best friend.

I know, because that is what I am going through now.

Not only did I lose the war, I lost nearly every battle. I don't really remember why I fought so hard. I guess I thought that in time people would see what he was really like and I would be vindicated.

But all that happened was that everyone ended up hating me in the end and he gets everything he could've ever wanted. 

It's a tough pill to swallow.

Maybe I should have been more vocal. I believed that truth would win out; that people would see that he was the one that started it and kept it going all this time, even when I stopped actively fighting things. It's weird to be the villain when I was the one consistently being harassed, spoken ill of, taken advantage of and just all around treated like shit. 

And now I'm getting kicked out and I know that there is no one on my side.

It hurts.

I keep trying to think back to what I did to every single person (including the brother who continually used me to get things he needed and then talked shit behind my back and did really awful things to me) who has chosen to believe him over me to the point where I have no one to turn to, and the only thing I can come up with is that I'm very antisocial and he isn't. I've never been close to my sisters, mom or brothers and he and my brother are best friends. So, that's possibly where it started.

But I always thought that you could at least depend on people like your siblings or your mother when things got really bad.

You can't.

So now what? 

Now, I figure out my own life and leave a lot of people behind. It's sad realizing they were people I never really had in the first place.

I'm feeling defeated right now, so all the things I *really* want to say will have to wait until another time. 

Everything happens for a reason.... I hope that the reason is for better things to happen in my life and for better people to enter into it. 

I hope you all never stop fighting, even if it feels hopeless. Maybe things will turn out better for you.

Maybe I should've fought harder, but it's over now and I've survived.

Till next time....

Bye sweets. <3

"Do You Even Still Want To Be With Me?"

You asked.

And it's complicated.

So I replied:



There are some things I haven't told you, because you're so broken and I don't want to be the final crack that causes you to shatter.

But I can't be what you need me to be.

I can be there for you- I will be there for you. Always. 

But I'm not your savior.

I can't take your problems and dissolve them. I can't make you stop taking those pills. 

I can only support you and love you and hope you listen to me.

But I can't save you.

If there's one thing I've learned from life, it's that the only person who can save you is yourself.

If you can't erase the negativity in your life, then you will only bring more negativity. I can't be your only source of happiness and I hate that I feel pressured to be the thing that pulls you back from the edge.

If you love me, then learn to love yourself. 

That would make me happy. 

But I don't know how to get you to do that. And I don't know how to tell you these things without hurting you. And deep down I know, you wouldn't really listen anyway.

I think I might lose you someday. And that scares me. 

What's even scarier is thinking that I've already lost you.





....Have I?

Asexuality: A Girl

I don't know what that means, either.

Not the word, but the title as a whole.

Anyway, for quite a few years (possibly my whole life) sex has been a weird thing for me. When I was young, I fantasized about it; kept pairing myself with all the hot guys on TV and imagining them being my first true whatever.

But in reality I was EXTREMELY self-conscious and just plain awkward around boys. So all my friends basically lost the v-card before me with the exception of two.

They didn't know that, though.

The sad thing about being a girl in this world is how easy it is to build a false persona for yourself. I got a "reputation" somewhere in eighth grade because the people I hung out with had a reputation. It was that easy.

And I wanted it.

I felt that if people thought I was having sex, then they would think I was cool/mature/interesting/sexy and those were all things I desperately wanted to be. So much so that I started lying about a crap load of stuff. I basically became a pathological liar and created a life for myself that was far more interesting than my real life.

That wasn't the case at home, though. In the culture I grew up in, girls were supposed to be "innocent" and sex before marriage was a sin, even though pretty much everyone had done it. I actually was a virgin.

Once when I was 14 I was having a conversation with my grandfather and he told me about how my uncle (the same one I'm having problems with now- IMAGINE THAT!) had come to him and told him he thought I was having sex. Keep in mind I only saw this uncle maybe a couple of times a month and he and I had no bond with each other whatsoever. My reputation at school never got to my family and all of my cousins knew what I was really like- inexperienced, awkward, bossy.

What I'm assuming happened is my mom got pregnant at a young age and I guess he thought that since it happened to her, it would happen to me. Charming, right? Anyway, my grandpa didn't give a rat's ass what my uncle thought and told me so.

Still, I realized that while I wanted that reputation at school because of all the attention (even if negative attention) it brought me, I didn't actually want to be that girl.

The thought of sex interested me, but the actual act, the doing it part did not.

I honestly thought there was something wrong with me. When I got into high school and started doing the whole teenage rebellion, party scene (decked out in goth, I might add) I would drink and flirt and do all the things I was supposed to. But if any guy ever got interested... FUCK.

I can't even begin to describe how awkward it felt to kiss these guys and whenever they tried to instigate more, I'd come up with some shitty excuse and bail. It always felt like I was being touched against my will, even though I allowed it to happen.

Eventually, I managed to get myself to go farther with this guy I "liked". Not all the way, no way, but far enough to make me think I might be a lesbian, because no matter how interested he appeared to be, I wasn't.

I even tried dating girls and found that, although I still wasn't interested in sex, they were much easier to kiss and flirt with. I didn't feel as awkward.

That whole period of time was honestly just one massively confusing phase that ended when I actually did lose my v-card at the age of 17.

It was about two weeks after my father had committed suicide, with a boy who was older and beautiful and who I really wanted to love me. And it was... short. And awkward. And I didn't enjoy it, at all. And it wasn't because he wasn't doing it right, it was because it ultimately wasn't what I wanted.

I don't regret it, though.

Ultimately it helped me figure out that my libido really doesn't extend to other people.

I haven't had sex since and sometimes I feel sad about that and other times I feel ashamed, like I led all these people to believe I was something I wasn't.

And it still bothers me when people insinuate that I am that kind of girl, especially when I now know that the type of girl I am is Asexual.

It means: the lack of sexual attraction to anyone or low or absent interest in sexual activity. It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the four types thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. (wikipedia)

And while it is rare to the point that most people haven't even heard of it, there are others out there. It means I'm not alone.

And who knows? Maybe in time I'll discover I'm actually demisexual (a lack of sexual attraction toward any person unless they become deeply emotionally or romantically connected with a specific person or persons -urban dictionary) and was just looking for love all along. But even if I'm not, I'm okay with that.

The only challenge I'm going to have to face is the coming out aspect and getting people to understand, particularly the people I lied to way back then.

I'm sure I'll manage it when the time is right.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest. It's such a fucking relief to get that all out.

If you only knew how long I've been carrying all of it...

Fucking hell.

Bye sweets. <3

Favorite Music Videos of All Time (Part 1)

Currently I'm not able to take any decent pictures (will explain why eventually) and I wanted to liven this blog up a bit, cause let's face it- my life just isn't that interesting.

/wrists

*Ahem*

So, I thought it'd be fun to post my favorite music videos of all time! Some come from when I was little, cause, like, when I was growing up MTV really did stand for Music Television. And they played music videos. A lot.

So, let's begin, okay?

(In no particular order...)

1) Blur- Coffee and TV


So, the reason I loved this video was because the little milk carton was SO. DARN. CUTE! Back then, the thing was to do semi-animated movies (is that what it was called?) where, like, cartoon characters could exist in a real life setting, but still be cartoons (think Space Jam). Despite the weird and scary things that sometimes happen to the poor milk cartoon, it had a happy ending. And a really catchy tune.

2) TIE!!!

Not only are the creative minds behind Gnarls Barkley musical geniuses, they're also not too bad when it comes to making music videos. Case in point: Going On and Who's Gonna Save My Soul.

Going On:


When I first saw this video, I had no idea where it was going (heh). It looked poorly made and I dunno, I just didn't think the video fit the song style. And then it kept going, got better, kept going, got me all emotional. When the video was over, I just stared at my computer screen for a moment, not able to comprehend the depth of the thing I'd just seen. I won't give too much away. It might not effect you the way it did me, but it's definitely worth seeing.

Who's Gonna Save My Soul:


Ever been blind-sided by a break-up? Gnarls Barkley knows how you feel. Seriously, if you've gotten the, "it's not you, it's me," or, "i just need some time for myself," or even the, "things were really good, but it's just time for us to move on," and you were sitting there thinking, "But... why???" then this video is for you. Honestly, if that's something you're going through right now and you want to explain to that person exactly how they've made you feel, send them this video. They'll get it. (Caution: Mind the gore.)

3) Temper Trap- Love Lost


Presenting the Endurance Test to end all Endurance tests! Seriously, if this happened in every gym class, they might've been more bearable. There is something precious about this video, and not just because of the kids. Some people might complain, "But what has this got to do with the song???" Those people have missed the point. Maybe you'll get it. Oh, and you might want to cover your eyes at the end.

4) Michael Jackson- Leave Me Alone


As a girl who's loved Michael Jackson all her life, even with all the unfortunate attention he received later in the years, it was bound to happen that I would have a favorite video of his (I won't be surprised if more pop up later on). It wasn't easy. So many of his videos remind me so strongly of a childhood spent with my cousins watching his music clips and mimicking his moves. I even wanted to grow up and marry him. What I love about this particular video is how he deals with all the unwanted attention from the media in his own way: both acknowledging the negative views people have of him and making fun of it all at the same time. This clip is the weirdest carnival you've ever been to and so apropos to what his life was like at the time. 

5) Alanis Morissette- Ironic

(If anyone has a better quality version of this video, I'd be very grateful for a link.)

So, we all know that the ironic thing about this song is that it isn't actually about irony, which just makes it... um, ironic. The video, however, is Iconic with a capital 'I'. I was a kid when I saw it and it just seemed like magic to me how Alanis was able to duplicate herself just by getting into a car. And as a child with a short attention span, I was glued to every moment of this video. Every time I watched it (and it played on TV several times a day for a while). It's just one of those classics that will always have the same effect on people the first time they see it: they won't be able to forget it.


That's all for now!

Yes, yes I know it was short. I worried that if I tried to come up with the full list now, I'd forget some. So, I'm just gonna make this one of those things I come back to every now and then.

Even though this entry was completely devoid of drama, I hope it livened things up here, even if just a little bit.

Bye sweets<333

Lola Says

Choose your battles wisely. 

I used to be the type of person who never stood up for herself. I kept thinking that if I was just really nice to everyone, that people wouldn’t do bad things to me. 

Unfortunately, this never seems to work.

From girls talking shit about me in school, to being used by countless people who I kept making excuses for (maybe she’s going through a rough time… Maybe he just misunderstood me…), I finally learned that some people are just bad sometimes.

In more recent years, I’ve learned to stand up for myself, but it’s taken some fine tuning. 

I developed a temper and the ability to yell and I ended up winning quite a few arguments (though I rarely felt proud of the fact afterward). But I was happy in a way that I had found my voice.

I’d learned that it’s not okay to let people do whatever they want to you just so that they will like you. It took me a while to understand, but I do think I’m all the better for it.

But there was one more lesson to learn.

As much as something hurts; as much as it is untrue and just plain wrong, you cannot win every fight.

And some just aren’t worth fighting over.

Recently, I’ve learned that people who’ve known me all my life have started to believe I am a thief. 

I am honest and kind of rude and irresponsible and selfish and lazy.

But I am not a thief. 

Nor have I ever had a reputation for stealing.

So why would people who have known me my whole life suddenly start to believe otherwise?

I think a particular person who I haven’t gotten along with for some time has been spreading lies about me. Lies that unfortunately are being believed.

I wanted to fight. But then I realized something: if people have already made up their mind against you, it’s extremely difficult to change them. And it’s just not even worth it sometimes.

So I choose not to.

I have a feeling that whatever it is I have been accused of taking will turn up. And the people who have been treating me poorly will realize it was never taken in the first place… And guilt will solve the rest.

Until then I am on my own.

Yea, it hurts and I even took my big girl panties off so I could cry about it and curse the world and daydream about running away and becoming a gypsy. (did I really just misspell gypsy? Fucking hell. Spell check saves lives, friends.)

But what I am learning about being strong and believing in myself, even if everyone else is against me, makes up for all the bullshit.

So in the end, it’s worth it.

Bye sweets. <3

I Can't Think of Something Good To Call This Post

So...

As you can see, March was the month everything started going wrong.

The most important person in my life got really sick. And I... didn't realize how bad it was until he was hospitalized.

And then he couldn't get enough energy to stay awake very long.

And then he stopped waking up at all.

And then he died.

I'm still not okay.

I get that things happen in this world, but my life has been on drama overdose during this whole incident and well after.

True, I have become a stronger person due to everything.

But I'd really like it to stop now. 

The previous post gives you some idea of what things have been like, but there's much more to the story. Someday, I'll air out everything, but for now I just needed to vent. I still want this blog to be happy and full of things I like and (eventually) pictures of things.

I even have blog posts written out that I'll get around to posting eventually. So, this thing isn't dead.

It's just... on a brief hold. I'm still determined to make this place my escape.

I really hope your lives are full of happiness and adventure and the you tell the person who means the most to you how much you love them as much as you can.

Stay strong, sweets. <3

Lola loves you.