Asexuality: A Girl

I don't know what that means, either.

Not the word, but the title as a whole.

Anyway, for quite a few years (possibly my whole life) sex has been a weird thing for me. When I was young, I fantasized about it; kept pairing myself with all the hot guys on TV and imagining them being my first true whatever.

But in reality I was EXTREMELY self-conscious and just plain awkward around boys. So all my friends basically lost the v-card before me with the exception of two.

They didn't know that, though.

The sad thing about being a girl in this world is how easy it is to build a false persona for yourself. I got a "reputation" somewhere in eighth grade because the people I hung out with had a reputation. It was that easy.

And I wanted it.

I felt that if people thought I was having sex, then they would think I was cool/mature/interesting/sexy and those were all things I desperately wanted to be. So much so that I started lying about a crap load of stuff. I basically became a pathological liar and created a life for myself that was far more interesting than my real life.

That wasn't the case at home, though. In the culture I grew up in, girls were supposed to be "innocent" and sex before marriage was a sin, even though pretty much everyone had done it. I actually was a virgin.

Once when I was 14 I was having a conversation with my grandfather and he told me about how my uncle (the same one I'm having problems with now- IMAGINE THAT!) had come to him and told him he thought I was having sex. Keep in mind I only saw this uncle maybe a couple of times a month and he and I had no bond with each other whatsoever. My reputation at school never got to my family and all of my cousins knew what I was really like- inexperienced, awkward, bossy.

What I'm assuming happened is my mom got pregnant at a young age and I guess he thought that since it happened to her, it would happen to me. Charming, right? Anyway, my grandpa didn't give a rat's ass what my uncle thought and told me so.

Still, I realized that while I wanted that reputation at school because of all the attention (even if negative attention) it brought me, I didn't actually want to be that girl.

The thought of sex interested me, but the actual act, the doing it part did not.

I honestly thought there was something wrong with me. When I got into high school and started doing the whole teenage rebellion, party scene (decked out in goth, I might add) I would drink and flirt and do all the things I was supposed to. But if any guy ever got interested... FUCK.

I can't even begin to describe how awkward it felt to kiss these guys and whenever they tried to instigate more, I'd come up with some shitty excuse and bail. It always felt like I was being touched against my will, even though I allowed it to happen.

Eventually, I managed to get myself to go farther with this guy I "liked". Not all the way, no way, but far enough to make me think I might be a lesbian, because no matter how interested he appeared to be, I wasn't.

I even tried dating girls and found that, although I still wasn't interested in sex, they were much easier to kiss and flirt with. I didn't feel as awkward.

That whole period of time was honestly just one massively confusing phase that ended when I actually did lose my v-card at the age of 17.

It was about two weeks after my father had committed suicide, with a boy who was older and beautiful and who I really wanted to love me. And it was... short. And awkward. And I didn't enjoy it, at all. And it wasn't because he wasn't doing it right, it was because it ultimately wasn't what I wanted.

I don't regret it, though.

Ultimately it helped me figure out that my libido really doesn't extend to other people.

I haven't had sex since and sometimes I feel sad about that and other times I feel ashamed, like I led all these people to believe I was something I wasn't.

And it still bothers me when people insinuate that I am that kind of girl, especially when I now know that the type of girl I am is Asexual.

It means: the lack of sexual attraction to anyone or low or absent interest in sexual activity. It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the four types thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. (wikipedia)

And while it is rare to the point that most people haven't even heard of it, there are others out there. It means I'm not alone.

And who knows? Maybe in time I'll discover I'm actually demisexual (a lack of sexual attraction toward any person unless they become deeply emotionally or romantically connected with a specific person or persons -urban dictionary) and was just looking for love all along. But even if I'm not, I'm okay with that.

The only challenge I'm going to have to face is the coming out aspect and getting people to understand, particularly the people I lied to way back then.

I'm sure I'll manage it when the time is right.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest. It's such a fucking relief to get that all out.

If you only knew how long I've been carrying all of it...

Fucking hell.

Bye sweets. <3