"Do You Even Still Want To Be With Me?"

You asked.

And it's complicated.

So I replied:



There are some things I haven't told you, because you're so broken and I don't want to be the final crack that causes you to shatter.

But I can't be what you need me to be.

I can be there for you- I will be there for you. Always. 

But I'm not your savior.

I can't take your problems and dissolve them. I can't make you stop taking those pills. 

I can only support you and love you and hope you listen to me.

But I can't save you.

If there's one thing I've learned from life, it's that the only person who can save you is yourself.

If you can't erase the negativity in your life, then you will only bring more negativity. I can't be your only source of happiness and I hate that I feel pressured to be the thing that pulls you back from the edge.

If you love me, then learn to love yourself. 

That would make me happy. 

But I don't know how to get you to do that. And I don't know how to tell you these things without hurting you. And deep down I know, you wouldn't really listen anyway.

I think I might lose you someday. And that scares me. 

What's even scarier is thinking that I've already lost you.





....Have I?

Lola Says

Choose your battles wisely. 

I used to be the type of person who never stood up for herself. I kept thinking that if I was just really nice to everyone, that people wouldn’t do bad things to me. 

Unfortunately, this never seems to work.

From girls talking shit about me in school, to being used by countless people who I kept making excuses for (maybe she’s going through a rough time… Maybe he just misunderstood me…), I finally learned that some people are just bad sometimes.

In more recent years, I’ve learned to stand up for myself, but it’s taken some fine tuning. 

I developed a temper and the ability to yell and I ended up winning quite a few arguments (though I rarely felt proud of the fact afterward). But I was happy in a way that I had found my voice.

I’d learned that it’s not okay to let people do whatever they want to you just so that they will like you. It took me a while to understand, but I do think I’m all the better for it.

But there was one more lesson to learn.

As much as something hurts; as much as it is untrue and just plain wrong, you cannot win every fight.

And some just aren’t worth fighting over.

Recently, I’ve learned that people who’ve known me all my life have started to believe I am a thief. 

I am honest and kind of rude and irresponsible and selfish and lazy.

But I am not a thief. 

Nor have I ever had a reputation for stealing.

So why would people who have known me my whole life suddenly start to believe otherwise?

I think a particular person who I haven’t gotten along with for some time has been spreading lies about me. Lies that unfortunately are being believed.

I wanted to fight. But then I realized something: if people have already made up their mind against you, it’s extremely difficult to change them. And it’s just not even worth it sometimes.

So I choose not to.

I have a feeling that whatever it is I have been accused of taking will turn up. And the people who have been treating me poorly will realize it was never taken in the first place… And guilt will solve the rest.

Until then I am on my own.

Yea, it hurts and I even took my big girl panties off so I could cry about it and curse the world and daydream about running away and becoming a gypsy. (did I really just misspell gypsy? Fucking hell. Spell check saves lives, friends.)

But what I am learning about being strong and believing in myself, even if everyone else is against me, makes up for all the bullshit.

So in the end, it’s worth it.

Bye sweets. <3