Stay Cute

Even when it seems as though the world is against you.

Ultimately, at some point in life you will have to be your own best friend.

I know, because that is what I am going through now.

Not only did I lose the war, I lost nearly every battle. I don't really remember why I fought so hard. I guess I thought that in time people would see what he was really like and I would be vindicated.

But all that happened was that everyone ended up hating me in the end and he gets everything he could've ever wanted. 

It's a tough pill to swallow.

Maybe I should have been more vocal. I believed that truth would win out; that people would see that he was the one that started it and kept it going all this time, even when I stopped actively fighting things. It's weird to be the villain when I was the one consistently being harassed, spoken ill of, taken advantage of and just all around treated like shit. 

And now I'm getting kicked out and I know that there is no one on my side.

It hurts.

I keep trying to think back to what I did to every single person (including the brother who continually used me to get things he needed and then talked shit behind my back and did really awful things to me) who has chosen to believe him over me to the point where I have no one to turn to, and the only thing I can come up with is that I'm very antisocial and he isn't. I've never been close to my sisters, mom or brothers and he and my brother are best friends. So, that's possibly where it started.

But I always thought that you could at least depend on people like your siblings or your mother when things got really bad.

You can't.

So now what? 

Now, I figure out my own life and leave a lot of people behind. It's sad realizing they were people I never really had in the first place.

I'm feeling defeated right now, so all the things I *really* want to say will have to wait until another time. 

Everything happens for a reason.... I hope that the reason is for better things to happen in my life and for better people to enter into it. 

I hope you all never stop fighting, even if it feels hopeless. Maybe things will turn out better for you.

Maybe I should've fought harder, but it's over now and I've survived.

Till next time....

Bye sweets. <3

"Do You Even Still Want To Be With Me?"

You asked.

And it's complicated.

So I replied:



There are some things I haven't told you, because you're so broken and I don't want to be the final crack that causes you to shatter.

But I can't be what you need me to be.

I can be there for you- I will be there for you. Always. 

But I'm not your savior.

I can't take your problems and dissolve them. I can't make you stop taking those pills. 

I can only support you and love you and hope you listen to me.

But I can't save you.

If there's one thing I've learned from life, it's that the only person who can save you is yourself.

If you can't erase the negativity in your life, then you will only bring more negativity. I can't be your only source of happiness and I hate that I feel pressured to be the thing that pulls you back from the edge.

If you love me, then learn to love yourself. 

That would make me happy. 

But I don't know how to get you to do that. And I don't know how to tell you these things without hurting you. And deep down I know, you wouldn't really listen anyway.

I think I might lose you someday. And that scares me. 

What's even scarier is thinking that I've already lost you.





....Have I?