"Do You Even Still Want To Be With Me?"

You asked.

And it's complicated.

So I replied:



There are some things I haven't told you, because you're so broken and I don't want to be the final crack that causes you to shatter.

But I can't be what you need me to be.

I can be there for you- I will be there for you. Always. 

But I'm not your savior.

I can't take your problems and dissolve them. I can't make you stop taking those pills. 

I can only support you and love you and hope you listen to me.

But I can't save you.

If there's one thing I've learned from life, it's that the only person who can save you is yourself.

If you can't erase the negativity in your life, then you will only bring more negativity. I can't be your only source of happiness and I hate that I feel pressured to be the thing that pulls you back from the edge.

If you love me, then learn to love yourself. 

That would make me happy. 

But I don't know how to get you to do that. And I don't know how to tell you these things without hurting you. And deep down I know, you wouldn't really listen anyway.

I think I might lose you someday. And that scares me. 

What's even scarier is thinking that I've already lost you.





....Have I?

Cute Girls and Kids

Is it wrong to charge your friends/siblings to baby sit their kids?

Okay, so the answer is probably, “Uhhh…. YES!” which makes me a terrible human being.

BUT…

I have zero patience for kids of a certain age. I LOVE babies and I can deal with kids 7 and up who have mostly learned how to be well-behaved by then. But kids ages 2-6 are little monsters, and I don’t mean that affectionately Ms. Gaga.

It’s not that I’m like a neglectful, abusive babysitter, who if the kid is bad I lock them in the closet or some crazy shit. I just get that feeling… You know the one, where you feel mentally, physically and even emotionally drained, usually after a very serious event or a terrible day at work? Yea, well that’s how I feel about five minutes into babysitting a little monster.

So, recently my sister asked me to babysit her daughter who is ADORABLE, but very much in the monster stage. And then she added in she wanted me to do it overnight. My rate is actually pretty fair for friends./family. It’s ten dollars for a whole day and twenty for overnight (more for overnight because the kids NEVER LET ME SLEEP). 

But I got to thinking, “Maybe I shouldn’t charge her?” 

I mean, it’s my niece you know. And even though she drives me crazy sometimes and frequently tells me to “get out of my mommy’s house!” whenever I visit and likes to scare the shit out of my cats and has an unfortunate obsession for going into my purse and taking the important things in there and RIPPING THEM TO SHREDS, she’s still my niece. So, maybe I should just babysit her out of the goodness of my heart?

Yea….. No.

I’m sorry, but the more I experience time spent with kids of a certain age, the LESS I want to have kids of my own. I don’t hate kids, I just have a limited amount of patience for someone else’s misbehaving monster.

And then I think, well what if my kid is like that? What if my kid destroys my stuff and never listens and tortures my cats? It scares me, cause then I think, “Well, if I feel this way now, when I have kids I’ll probably feel this way ALL the time and then I’ll become a terrible mother, cause I’ll probably drink a lot or take a lot of Zoloft or call Nanny McPhee & instead of waiting for her to work a miracle I’ll just give her my kids and leave.

Fucking hell.

So, this means I most likely won’t be reproducing. This is probably a really good thing. I mean, I wasn’t exactly a little angel myself, so I’m possibly sparing the world from more self-involved, neurotic, emotionally bi-polar weirdos…. who are cute!

It’s probably for the best.

Bye sweets. <3

The Misadventures of Blu and X (And How This Cute Girl was caught in the middle)

Today, I need to vent a little.

I’m not going to name names or get too specific. I don‘t want to upset anyone, I just need to get this off of my chest.

I fucking hate it when people don’t listen to me. (so much swearing-- cute girl calm down!)

Someone very near and dear to me, we’ll call this person Blu, keeps allowing this person, we’ll call the person X, into their life even though X repeatedly takes advantage of them.

X is the type that will never try to help you if you don’t pay them to first. It frustrates me that I’ve pointed this out repeatedly to Blu and yet it does no good. 

Two months ago Blu paid X $80 bucks to do something, cause X needed money. X gladly pockets money, promises to help Blu the next day, and then vanishes from the face of the earth. We didn’t see or hear from X for over two weeks, at which point it was too late for X to help out Blu.

X had done something similar in the past, where X had borrowed $60 bucks and promised to pay it back, but never did, so for Blu this was the last straw. Blu managed to track down X and demand the money back. This was very out of character because Blu is one of the most generous and forgiving people I know, so for Blu to go this far, it was serious.

(All this talk about Blu’s and X’s. Feel like I’m talking about cartoon characters LOL)

X came up with some excuse, but Blu didn’t buy it. They had an argument and then Blu stormed away, done with the friendship forever. Needless to say, I was very happy that Blu had finally finished with X, although I was sad how things had ended.

It’s like, I wanted Blu to be free of this person, but not at the expense of Blu’s happiness and optimism in others. As you can see, Blu means a lot to me, otherwise none of this would bother me so much I’d take to blogging about it.

Anyway, all was well and dandy, or at least so I thought. 

Today, I decided to drop in for a random visit to Blu and guess who’s over, hanging out and looking smug as bear? X.

ARGHHHHHH!

I can’t even put into words how stunned and then frustrated I was to see that X had weaseled their way back into Blu’s good graces. 

I didn’t even speak or look at X, I just kept giving Blu a “what the hell” face. At least Blu had the decency to look ashamed. But in the end, it was decided by Blu that X would be given another chance and nothing I could say would change that.

I just… I don’t get it. Every single time I’ve said, “X is bad news,” X would then prove me right by doing something despicable, but Blu would always forgive.

I get that part of being a good person is learning to forgive others, but I also think that doesn’t mean you have to keep a negative person in your life. Negative people bring about negative situations. By keeping X as a friend, Blu is welcoming in all the negativity X brings. The negativity then rolls onto me, because I am very protective of Blu. 

I guess at this point, I just have to let go of this whole situation. By that I mean whenever Blu comes to me to talk about X, I will just change the subject and let Blu know that I have officially done giving advice on a situation where the advice is ignored anyway.

I’m sad, though, cause it kinda feels like I’m giving up my friend to a situation that will very likely turn bad again. But every time I say something, it is ignored and I am told I am too harsh on people.

I am harsh on people, okay, but only if they hurt the ones I care about. You can try to hurt me, too, but it takes a lot to get to me on a personal level.

Fucking hell.

I guess venting has helped a little. I don’t feel nearly as riled up as I did before. Just a little sad.

Ah well. Things will get better. They always do.

Bye sweets. <3

Pre-Judging

Have you ever been pre-judged?

Not regular judged, like everyone does, where you size a person up during your first conversation with them. 

I mean, judged before the person ever said a single word to you?

There are some people who will see you around a couple a times or hear the opinion of one or two people and then decide that they know everything about you. 

And, even worse, there’s the kind who will look at you just once and completely dismiss you as a worthy person. Fucking hell.

I don’t really care about being pre-judged by people around my age or younger than me, but I am so sick of it happening with people who are older.

Yea, okay, I’m not cookie cutter, but the way I look on the outside only shows you what my fashion sense is. And given how much that’s been evolving overtime and really every single day, that tells you nothing.

And yet, older people seem to think that the way you present yourself when they run into you on a casual day is enough to tell them everything they’d ever want to know about you. 

It’s seriously annoying.

Why do I care so much about the opinions of my elders, you ask? Well, I was raised by my grandparents, so I’ve had the “respect your elders” thing drilled into my head from a young age. It was sort of inevitable that I’d be an old person loving, senior-citizen respecting cute girl.

But some old people are just plain ridiculous. This friend of my grandmother’s who comes around from time to time and who I am always polite and helpful toward (I‘ve helped her carry groceries numerous times), constantly gives me weird vibes. It’s been like that since before we ever had a conversation together. She gave me this weird look and completely ignored me until she realized I was her friend‘s granddaughter. But even now no matter what I do it’s like she’s waiting for me to say something rude or do something vile. Seems to think I’m some uncivilized whore or something.

And she’s not the only one.

I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes I’ll be having an incredibly awesome day and then I’ll run into her or someone like her and I’ll start feeling like I’ll never be good enough. Why is it only old people that make me feel self-conscious? I’m harboring some serious grandparent issues.

And yea, I am living with them. My grandparents are going through some hard health times, so I’m helping out until they’re back on their feet. So far it’s been….eh.
Ah well.

Maybe eventually I’ll become a geriatric rescuing superhero and all those judgmental oldies will completely change their minds about me.

Or maybe I’ll just use The Secret. 

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.


…Am I weird??

Cute Girl Score Card
-2 for swearing, -1 for lack of confidence (New Rule: cute girls always have confidence in themselves), +1 for wanting to better myself (New Rule: cute girls are all about self improvement), +2 for respecting my elders, +1 for plugging The Secret, something every cute girl should at least know.

Bye sweets. <3