Stay Cute

Even when it seems as though the world is against you.

Ultimately, at some point in life you will have to be your own best friend.

I know, because that is what I am going through now.

Not only did I lose the war, I lost nearly every battle. I don't really remember why I fought so hard. I guess I thought that in time people would see what he was really like and I would be vindicated.

But all that happened was that everyone ended up hating me in the end and he gets everything he could've ever wanted. 

It's a tough pill to swallow.

Maybe I should have been more vocal. I believed that truth would win out; that people would see that he was the one that started it and kept it going all this time, even when I stopped actively fighting things. It's weird to be the villain when I was the one consistently being harassed, spoken ill of, taken advantage of and just all around treated like shit. 

And now I'm getting kicked out and I know that there is no one on my side.

It hurts.

I keep trying to think back to what I did to every single person (including the brother who continually used me to get things he needed and then talked shit behind my back and did really awful things to me) who has chosen to believe him over me to the point where I have no one to turn to, and the only thing I can come up with is that I'm very antisocial and he isn't. I've never been close to my sisters, mom or brothers and he and my brother are best friends. So, that's possibly where it started.

But I always thought that you could at least depend on people like your siblings or your mother when things got really bad.

You can't.

So now what? 

Now, I figure out my own life and leave a lot of people behind. It's sad realizing they were people I never really had in the first place.

I'm feeling defeated right now, so all the things I *really* want to say will have to wait until another time. 

Everything happens for a reason.... I hope that the reason is for better things to happen in my life and for better people to enter into it. 

I hope you all never stop fighting, even if it feels hopeless. Maybe things will turn out better for you.

Maybe I should've fought harder, but it's over now and I've survived.

Till next time....

Bye sweets. <3

Lola's Busy (and sober... for now): Try Your Call Again Later

Only 8 blog posts so far in 2013 (not counting this one).

I suppose you could say I'm not off to the best start...

A lot has been happening, though, and not all of it positive. I don't want to commemorate the negative moments in my life (unless I can put a humorous spin on them), though maybe I should vent about a few things.

OH!

On a huge,  mega positive note... I GOT INTO SCAD!!! (google it)

I think I mentioned in an earlier post wanting to move to Savannah and SCAD is one of the reasons why. The only issue I currently face is all the financial shit. I'm pretty positive, though, I will qualify for some pretty awesome scholarships/grants which should hopefully take care of all the heavier costs. And then FAFSA should cover the rest. *fingers crossed*

Aside from that, my inner party girl has emerged. Quite frankly, I'd forgotten she even existed!

I haven't seen her since I was a teenager. But she is back with a VENGEANCE. 

I've been going out to a bar called Bru's Room every Friday. I get a little drunk and do a little dancing and it's all a blast (with one notable exception, but I'm trying not to dwell on negatives so...).

Last Friday night, though, was a different best. I discovered something called a Blue Long Island which is this tasty drink, that is brimming with tons of hard liquors that you DON'T TASTE AT ALL so you foolishly drink lots and lots of these and then....

BOOM

you're chocolate wasted.

When did I become that sloppy girl that spills her drink all over the place and awkwardly grinds with boys on the dance floor??? 

Must stop.

Cute girls don't get shit-faced. This is a new rule.

Still, it's exciting to know that I can indeed "hang" with my younger cousins (ugh, I sound SO old, I'm only 24 , WAAAHHHHH somebody make me stop aging omgggg!) who keep inviting me out to these shenanigans (since when do I use that word, i am aging faster on the inside, WTH?!).

Oh, and and and I think I just got a new job! Waiting to get called back, but am really hoping I do cause now with the whole SCAD thing I could use more income.

So, yea, 2013 has been ridiculously busy, but in a good way. Now just need to get the self-improvement stuff down and I will be solid. 

POSITIVE VIBE is in full force today. Please, please stay.

Will update more on my crazy life eventually. 

Bye sweets. <3

P.S. Was supposed to attend a lot of festivals that were held this month, buuut I missed them. 

All. 

Fucking hell. Guess I'll just have to fill this blog with pictures from the bar from now on. heh

The Adventure

The length of this post should hopefully make up for my lack of posting recently. I definitely have slacked off. :/

(Pointless observation: does anyone else think that the websites blackpeoplemeet and christian mingle were created by people with ulterior motives? Like, the person behind black people meet was tired of the MIT “thug” his precious daughter was dating and decided to steer said thug in the direction of other available black women? And christian mingle was actually masterminded by an atheist who was tired of getting dumped for using bible verses as witty comebacks-- which is a sin. 

Anybody…?

No?

Well, okay.)

So, getting my phone was not as easy as I thought it’d be. 

Sure, I’d spent the last month or so putting money aside and even using the cheap washing machines at the Laundromat to have some quarters left over to add to the LG fund. And yes, I did have enough to pay for it in the end (but embarrassingly had to borrow money from the person who was with me to pay for the activation fee + new phone bill… :/)

But the day was one of those… unfortunate ones where everything that can go wrong, does.

It all started when I got the phone and was accompanied by my grandpa. I’d neglected to tell him just how much a smartphone was, as he still sees them as “newfangled high technological devices”, so as soon as he saw the price tag, he started bitching at me about how I consistently waste money. 

It’s an argument I've been hearing my whole life, and I’m damn tired of it. 

This made buying the phone much less exciting than it otherwise would've been, and I felt like an ungrateful skank for secretly regretting the purchase for basically the whole day.

However, I managed to suck up those emotions and instead focus on how I would now need to activate and switch phones. I stopped at a Metro PCS store to get it activated, but the girls working there informed me that it would be free to activate it over the phone.

Not wanting to leave empty handed I spent $10 on a pretty pink phone case and immediately went home to do what I thought would be a very simple thing.

How wrong I was.

Apparently I didn't have the passcode associated with my phone. Rather than helping me by telling me what that passcode could be (ie bar code, date of purchase, etc.) the woman “assisting” me merely told me to find the code and then hung up.

Bitch.

So, I called an actual Metro store and was informed what the code would be and was then able to figure it out. Yay!

The fact that I had to call the store to get the help I needed should’ve told me then and there to just go in and let them help me. But after the strong words from my gpa earlier, I really didn't want to feel like I was throwing more money away when there was a cheaper (free) solution.

So, armed with the passcode I called back and was relieved to get a new person. We went through all the steps, which involved numbers, numbers, numbers. Barcode, battery code, lots of fucking codes. 

I informed the woman helping me that I use a shared phone line with my grandpa (his phone bill is only $35) and that our numbers are similar. The only difference is the last number.

She understood and made a big show of repeating my phone number back to me to confirm that this was the number the new phone was attached to. She then had me do some fancy phonework and I got a message that my phone was being activated. I very nearly hung up, thinking that that was all that was needed until…

The activation failed.

We were both very confused, so she had me try again. And again. 

And one more time.

When all of that failed, she guided me through manually programming my phone. I entered everything I was told. Read the numbers and codes back to her, and then waited patiently for my phone to be properly activated. 

Twice.

Because it Did Not Work.

In then end, she sighed and told me to do what I should’ve done from the very beginning: go to a metro store and activate the phone. 

I wanted to pull my hair out! 

My grandpa had the car, so I had no way of getting to a metro store. And worse, the store would be closing in 30 minutes.

I knew I could’ve just waited until the next day and gone in, but my regret for buying the phone was starting to creep in again. I knew if I waited another day, I’d probably just go back to the store and return it. 

I really wanted to love something I’d spent so much money on, so I would feel justified.

So, I put on my big girl panties and borrowed somebody else’s phone (since mine was officially off) and called my gpa.

And got his answering machine.

ARGH!!!

I tried to call twice more, wondering why the man who NEVER turns his phone off, not even at night or during movies, would suddenly have it off now. 

I had to find him and track him down, or I would suffer from a major case of buyer’s remorse and that is not how I wanted to start off the new year.

Fortunately, I knew where he was, so I grabbed my old phone, my new phone, my purse and the last shreds of my dignity and set off to track him down. 

And I only had 25 minutes left….

Miracle of miracles, he was exactly where I expected him to be: sitting in a parked car in front of my Uncle’s house, hiding from my grandmother so he could drink his Busch in peace.

A peace that I ruined when I hopped into the car and demanded he drive me to my destination (he’d only had a fourth a can of beer and he’s a lifelong drinker, so he wasn’t even thinking about being tipsy yet).

I explained the situation and then entered into one of the loudest silences of my life, where he gave me his, “I’m reconsidering my fondness of you” look. I didn’t have time for that, though. 

Fortunately, his two sips of Busch and handful of pork rinds had made him kind and he agreed to drive me there with very little fuss and lots of pointed stares at stop signs. 

I didn’t care, though. 

I was finally en route to cleaning up this mess of a day and nothing was going to stop me.

Not even my grandpa’s huffs of annoyance and impatience and the lecture I knew was soon to come.

Not even all the red lights we were getting at EVERY SINGLE  INTERSECTION. 

Not even the red and blue flashing lights behind us…

Fucking hell.

We got pulled over.

Apparently, the car had an expired tag. I hadn’t known this. My grandpa had, but pretended he had not. 

I was shitting bricks the entire time, partly because we now had LESS THEN 10 MINUTES LEFT and partly because I was terrified the cop would smell the beer on my gpa’s breath. He’s too old and too sweet to go to jail and if he did, it would be all my fault. All over some stupid expensive phone that didn’t even have the decency to be expensive enough to cover his bail and everyone would hate me and my grandmother would cry.

I was, in fact, about to cry. I hoped I did and I hoped the cop saw it.

Unfortunately, I was too frustrated to cry, but it was fine because the cop let us off with a warning.

Five minutes left.

We were still two blocks away. They could make a whole fucking movie about how tense I was and a sequel about the lecture my grandpa gave me when it was all over.

And finally we were there.

And it was…..

………………..

………..

……..

…

OPEN!!!!

Holy sweet batman, my life!

I rushed into the store armed with my phones and my relief and went straight to the man working there, who is actually a friend of my brother’s.

I hoped that fact would get me a free phone activation.

It did not.

While activating my phone, this man solved the final piece of the puzzle of that night’s adventure: the reason my gpa’s phone was off AND the reason the activation didn’t work is that the woman assisting me on the phone had used my gpa’s number instead of mine.

Bitchx2.

Anyway, I was SO happy to have my phone in working order, that it must’ve rubbed off on my gpa, as he willingly paid the activation fee for me.

His good humor quickly vanished when he also had to pay the remainder of our new phone bill, which had gone up considerably thanks to all the bells and whistles needed for my new phone.

Fucking hell.

Oh well. At least I got to leave that night armed with a shiny, new working phone.

And my gpa got to leave with new proof that I really am a monumental money waster and now has enough material to spend the next 24 years of my life bitching at me about this. 

Ah well.

Alls well that ends well….

Until you’re driving down the street a week later and you spot a sign with a picture of the phone that gave you hell and that you paid $148 for, now on sale.

For $49.

…..

My grandpa saw the same sign, too.

……….

Fucking hell.

Bye sweets. <3

Good News

(Didn't get around to posting this before.)

I feel as though with every passing day I am closer to becoming my favorite version of myself.

I used to be more kind, more patient, more forgiving, more open, less judgmental and generally all around better (apart from all my emo bs… but that’s a different story).

Over time, I’ve grown harder. I don’t let people in easily. I can tell my cautious nature puts people off and makes them think I’m some sort of bully or mean girl. But honestly, I got hurt in the past by people because I was too trusting. Now, I want to be sure a person is worth it before I let them get under my skin.

It’s rational, yes, but I don’t like that I give off this off putting vibe to others. 

The up side is, people who have been there for me for nearly my whole life and who I know I can trust, view me in a positive light. I know I am truly loved and I love these people with all of my heart.

Maybe that’s another reason why I hesitate to let anyone in. 

I already have so many incredible and amazing people in my life who I am so so so thankful for. I feel greedy for seeking out more. And I think I worry I won’t have time for everyone if I keep letting people in.

Another thing that’s happened is I’ve become more selfish, but not with everything. I don’t mind sharing certain things and with certain people, I’ll share anything. 

But if it’s someone I don’t know as well, regardless of how trustworthy someone else thinks that person is or even if we’re distant relatives, I will still struggle with sharing with them ESPECIALLY if it is something that is not easily/inexpensively replaced.

Unfortunately, this makes people think I am very stingy. I guess I kind of am, but I think it’s a rational reaction. Who feels comfortable sharing something like a computer or even living space (yes, this has come up…. fucking hell) with someone they don’t know well? 

No one. 

Even if that person is blood related it will be awkward. 

I have, however, learned how to be less paranoid. Which has made me more trusting of people I now know I should never have doubted in the first place. 

This is improvement.

I dunno, I guess it’s human nature to always feel there are parts of ourselves that we can improve upon. But I do admit that I miss being younger and less aware of the more serious things around me and more optimistic of the people that have come into my life.

The fact, though, that I can recognize what is lacking in myself and not only want to change, but to begin to change is something I sincerely value. I really am growing up and it’s not a bad thing.

And that, my friends, is definitely good news. 

Bye sweets. <3

Less than 2 Hours and Counting...

and then HELLO 2013!

May I just say that I am very happy the world didn't end?

What I want to do now is make a Top 12 Lessons of 2012 list. I'm currently drinking in preparation of the New Year's ball drop, so please excuse me if I occasionally don't make any sense at all. 

Now... here we go.

1) Finally growing up.

2012 was the year I finally started getting my act as an adult together. Up until then I was still desperately trying to hang onto my youth. Now, I'm getting ready to make a huge move (fingers crossed!) and I have learned that it is not a bad thing to put yourself first sometimes. In fact, I'll be doing that quite often soon enough considering I'll be on my own for the first time in 24 years. 

Fucking hell.

...I'm excited.

2) I don't have to be anything.

I'm no longer going to try to put myself into a box, so that I can feel that I belong to something by having a particular label attached to me. Instead, I'll analyze things when I need to and accept the things that have not changed, will not change, are never going to change, because I finally understand that that is all you can do. 

3) Felt damn useful.

As compared to the past few years where I have felt very dependent on others. Now, there are people who have learned to depend on me for things. And it feels damn good to be needed. 

4) Learned to control my temper/anger

For most of my life I have had ZERO temper. I wouldn't ever get mad about anything, just sad. Then within the past few years I somehow found my voice and learned to shout back when someone was unfair to me. However, the cost of this was that I now discovered how angry I could become.

And I hate being angry. 

It is the ugliest, blackest, cruelest feeling in the world and I really don't like what I say out of anger.

So, now I am learning from my younger self and am beginning to reign in some of that temper. I will still get mad when I feel I am in the right, but when people try to bait me I will ignore it. 

Sometimes it's nice to feel above things, you know?

5) I don't need no stinking romance!

I think this is the first year I didn't feel like I needed to date someone. If I did happen to go on a date, it was fine, but I didn't need to. 

Is this independence or early prep for a long life filled with cats???

6) I am in control.

2012 was also the year I discovered The Secret and holy shit has that changed SO much.

7) Personality > solitude

I definitely embraced the fact that my personality is a little bit weird and quirky, but that is a good thing. I no longer feel worried about saying the wrong thing around people. Instead, I feel completely at ease having conversations with people I don't know very well.

8) Life will always give what you need it to.

I lost a lot in 2011. 2012 gave back all that it could. Some things are irreplaceable, but that just makes you more grateful you had it, even if for only a little while.

9) Family is forever.

Okay, so I've always known this, but this year it really hit home when something very traumatic happened and it was family that reached out on an ASTOUNDING level. We are now much closer than we've been in years. And it feels good.

10) THERE IS KINDNESS IN THIS WORLD!

I totally gave up on this one, but then when that traumatic thing happened, it wasn't just family that reached out. I am extremely blessed for all the people that have graced my life in 2012. I hope to know them for many more years.

11) Letting go of the past.

This is still a minor work in progress. I've mostly let go of the big stuff, things that were clouding my mind and my feelings about certain things/people. I've learned that forgiveness feels good because it helps you move on.

And as for the things I'm still holding onto? 

I'll let go of those, too, over time.

12) How to bounce back.

Are you gonna lay down every time someone pushes you over, are or you gonna brace yourself and push back?

I've learned how to fight and how to go down fighting if there's now way else but to fall. This has been the most important lesson, because every single year of my life before this one I have played the victim. And now, I am the fighter. 

And fucking hell it feels good.



I hope 2012 has been as incredible for everyone as it has been for me. And I know 2013 will be So. Much. Better!!!

Bye sweets. <3