Good News

(Didn't get around to posting this before.)

I feel as though with every passing day I am closer to becoming my favorite version of myself.

I used to be more kind, more patient, more forgiving, more open, less judgmental and generally all around better (apart from all my emo bs… but that’s a different story).

Over time, I’ve grown harder. I don’t let people in easily. I can tell my cautious nature puts people off and makes them think I’m some sort of bully or mean girl. But honestly, I got hurt in the past by people because I was too trusting. Now, I want to be sure a person is worth it before I let them get under my skin.

It’s rational, yes, but I don’t like that I give off this off putting vibe to others. 

The up side is, people who have been there for me for nearly my whole life and who I know I can trust, view me in a positive light. I know I am truly loved and I love these people with all of my heart.

Maybe that’s another reason why I hesitate to let anyone in. 

I already have so many incredible and amazing people in my life who I am so so so thankful for. I feel greedy for seeking out more. And I think I worry I won’t have time for everyone if I keep letting people in.

Another thing that’s happened is I’ve become more selfish, but not with everything. I don’t mind sharing certain things and with certain people, I’ll share anything. 

But if it’s someone I don’t know as well, regardless of how trustworthy someone else thinks that person is or even if we’re distant relatives, I will still struggle with sharing with them ESPECIALLY if it is something that is not easily/inexpensively replaced.

Unfortunately, this makes people think I am very stingy. I guess I kind of am, but I think it’s a rational reaction. Who feels comfortable sharing something like a computer or even living space (yes, this has come up…. fucking hell) with someone they don’t know well? 

No one. 

Even if that person is blood related it will be awkward. 

I have, however, learned how to be less paranoid. Which has made me more trusting of people I now know I should never have doubted in the first place. 

This is improvement.

I dunno, I guess it’s human nature to always feel there are parts of ourselves that we can improve upon. But I do admit that I miss being younger and less aware of the more serious things around me and more optimistic of the people that have come into my life.

The fact, though, that I can recognize what is lacking in myself and not only want to change, but to begin to change is something I sincerely value. I really am growing up and it’s not a bad thing.

And that, my friends, is definitely good news. 

Bye sweets. <3